Lovino's Notes To The Still Breathing
by Kat The Maniac
Summary: Lovino Romano Vargas-Marino. 14 years old, and an 8th grader at Willianson Middle School. Reported missing by his Grandfather at 3 in the morning. Found dead two hours later at Willianson Middle School. According to the evidence, he hung himself. These were found on his person.
1. The Introduction

Yeah, dumbasses, I know that isn't the BEST title, but hey, I'm going through depression, cut me some slack. So. These are my suicide notes. If it all goes according to plan, you'll find these in my room, after you find my body hung on the 6th building's balcony, my one place of peace. So. I've written out quite a few letter's, but these aren't apologies.

Haha, fuck no.

I've seen those suicides on TV, where even if you don't like the kid you keep talking about how great of a person they were.

Bullshit.

This is a hit list.

I want the people who are to blame, to feel sorry.

I want everybody to see how fucking demented they really are

I want my young blood on their hands for the rest of their sorry ass existence.

To realize how shitty they've made my life, or the life I had...

I guess I'll be dead by the time you read this.

This is inside my jacket, so I guess the cops will find it first, and give the letters to who their supposed to go to.

It's all for the better...

Okay, anyway, so I don't seem like a complete dick, I will be sending apology notes. To who? Well gee, I've written in those notes to keep it a secret, and I trust them enough to do it, so you'll never know.

Anyway! Here it is!

**Romano's Hit List**

**SHOW CHOIR**

**GRANDPA.**

**MOM AND DAD.**

**GILBERT**

**RODRICH**

Okay, so, uh. They'll all be stapled to this first page. Get ready assholes. I'll make sure you pay for this.

* * *

_**Okay.. I'm really sorry I haven't updated my other fics, I've been having a rough month, and a good friend of mine recently tried to commit suicide. I needed to get my recent frustrations out, and suddenly, this happened, and I liked it, so I kept going. I have all the notes already finished. All I need are at least three reviews and the first note will be up tomorrow**_


	2. Show Choir's Note

_**Show Choir's Note**_

Okay, ASSHOLES, my name is Lovino Romano Vargas-Marino. I'm 14 years old, in the 8th grade, and I'm a sarcastic little shit.

But there's more then the surface.

I love singing because my Mother used to sing in Italian with me.

I'm grumpy because my parents are dead and gone, my Brother was taken away from me for 8 years, and Grandpa clearly wanted him instead of me.

Now that you all know that.

How do you all feel?

Feeling bad?

Fucking perfect, that's how you should feel.

You're whining about how your parents won't buy you the new iphone 5s, well fuck you, I don't have parents to buy it for me.

Then you decide "Gee, that Lovino kid is a isolated weirdo. Let's just isolate him even more"

Because the problem is, you guys claim to have a family in your group, but it's really "Everybody we like, and the people we don't like."

Really?

What's wrong with me?

Did I do anything?

If I'm seriously doing something to bother you, tell me, and maybe I'll consider it.

But if it's something like "Oh your face is weird." then I'll BREAK your face.

Well..It's too late now I guess...

But for future reference?

However, even if this is for that entire shitty choir in general, I wanna address someone in particular.

Matthew. Please.

We were such good friends in beginning choir..I..I told you everything, and you were just as messed up as I was, and that was okay, because we knew how to distract each other perfectly.

But after that there was the schedule mess up during 7th grade.

If it had never happened...

Would you still be my friend..?

...Anyway, that one year you spent in Show choir, and the one I spent in Beginning Choir again.

We barely talked to each other, but I still held tight to the friendship we had, because I knew it could last.

Finally, 8th grade rolled around, and I was actually really excited. Finally!

A place...Where I could be accepted.

Ha.

I should've known.

Who wants to be friends with the lonely orphan boy?

Not even you Matthew.

Even though I was a much better friend (who could actually remember your name) you ignored me, and avoided me and...

...Why? WHY? YOU KNEW. AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY! HOW COULD YO-!

-Okay..Gotta keep my cool...So uh. Yeah, next time you assholes claim to be a "family" act like one.

Because guess what. That weird fringe kid who never got picked for solos. Might end up dead.

* * *

**Wow...Uh, thank you guys so much for the feedback, and I'm really thankful you guys don't mind me getting this off my chest. Of course, a lot of this is made up just for the purpose of the story, but this particular chapter was written first, because it's the issue in my life right now that bothers me the most..So this time...If there are 3 reviews, I'll update in two days, if there are 5 I'll update tomorrow.**


	3. Grandpa's Note

_**Grandpa's Note**_

Hey Grandpa!

It's me, Lovino!

Remember, the Grandson you don't love!

Hehe..

So. I'm dead now.

And you were a part of it.

I mean, really?

Even before Feliciano was born, I was never the favorite, you'd never shut up about Francis or something..

..Then Feliciano came into our lives, and you fell for him.

He was everything you wanted, and everything I couldn't be.

Our parents died, and you had been assigned as my Godfather, while Rodrich was Feliciano's.

Thus. Me and Feli didn't see each other for 8 years.

That was my little brother.

The only link I had left to the family I loved and cherished.

And what do you do?

Whine about how he did everything better.

"Oh that's a nice rabbit but Feli could've drawn it better"

"Hm, I'm pretty sure Feli could hit that note in the scale."

"You know, from what I heard, Feli is a straight A student."

I needed emotional support. Hell, not even, maybe just a distraction.

But you just keep talking about the little brother I never thought I would see again.

Then.

I do see him again.

And even better, he somewhat remembers me, and is even going to live with me again.

You can probably guess what was the blemish on my perfect day.

"OH FELI I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!"

Yep.

You, asshole.

And it was back to normal soon, except Veneziano was actually there to prove that he was better then me, and I hated it.

You made me hate my own brother, because you just couldn't shut up about how fantastic he was compared to me.

Well.

Congrats.

You won't have to compare your precious little grandson with his pathetic older brother anymore.

I mean...

What's the point in comparing the living and the dead?

* * *

**Thank you all for the support! Also, because some people have expressed some concern, don't worry I don't cut, I would never _ever_ suicide, and for the most part I'm a happy person, it's just, I've got a lot of stuff on my plate, I'm going into high school soon, I've got a lot of after school events, and my final exams for Biology and Geometry are next week...I've just got a lot of stress right now, and I have been able to squeeze some time in to work on my other three stories, but very little, and they probably won't be up in a while XP Anyway, same rules as last chapter, 3 reviews, I update in 2 days, 5 reviews I update tomorrow. Also, to Goliath Beetle who asked about Antonio, don't worry, I could never forget him ;D**


	4. Mom and Dad's Note

_**Mom and Dad's Note**_

Why did you do it?

Why did you get in the car?

Why did you fucking go get me_** my GODAMNED PRESENT!?** _

Sure, I wanted it badly, but I wanted you guys more!

If..If I had known I was never going to see you again...

...I would've said more then, "hurry back soon"...

I NEED YOU!

_** WHY DID YOU SELFISH ASSHOLES GO AND DIE TOGETHER!?**_

Feliciano's too young to remember you guys, but I'm not!

I still remember Mama cooking me my favorite meals, and Papa playing catch with me, no matter how tired he was...

...It was small kind acts like those that could've saved me...

...And...

I have a feeling, if you guys hadn't have died, my life wouldn't have been perfect.

But it would've been just enough..

_...Mama...Kids who kill themselves...Do they get to go to heaven too?_

* * *

**Hi guys! Wow, the feedback on this story is still unbelievable, and I'm happy you all like it so much! But, I have a school trip, (another reason I'm stressing out, band competition) and I'll be gone for the next two days, so 5 reviews, I'll update on Saturday, 3 reviews I'll update on Sunday. Also, I know this chapter was short, but he's not really angry at his parents, he's still mourning them, and he really thinks that it's his fault, but he's been trying to push the blame on them over the years so as to lessen his sadness. Also, to the anon who asked _a lot_ of questions, lets go!**

**1. Feli's not on the hit list because Lovino knows that he doesn't truly hate his brother, but he hates the way his Grandpa points out that his brother is more successful then him, in turn making him jealous.**

**2. The reasons stated in my ending author's note.**

**3. I don't really think Hungary and him would have any bad beef really...There's a small mention of her, but she's not even named.**

**4. Prussia being there will be revealed when his chapter comes.**

**5. The ending's a secret ;D**


	5. Gilbert's Note

_**Gilbert's Note**_

So.

You.

God, I hate you so much man.

Just, what the hell, was your problem with me?

Did I do anything to you?

Anything that might have upset you?

I sure as hell wouldn't remember, considering the fact you've been bullying me since Kindergarten.

Hell, I had parents back then, that's how long you've been bullying me.

It started out simple enough, tripping me, taking my money when I wasn't looking, and calling me stupid...

But this year you've been...Especially nasty?

Like, I've usually been able to shrug you off, but I don't know if you've become more of an ass, if I've gotten more sensitive, or if all these collective years have built up on me, but I just couldn't handle it this year.

Telling anybody who even so much glanced my way I was an orphan faggot?

What _THE HELL_ is wrong with you?!

YOU THINK I CHOSE TO HAVE MY PARENTS DIE?

And locking me in the closet during the show choir concert?!

I got an 'F' in the class for that!

Do you know how hard it was to bring that report card to my grandfather, who was already convinced I'm a failure?!

The funniest part about all of this though.

You and me are exactly the same.

I know what your younger brother is like, I've seen him helping Feliciano with homework, even though I don't like him, he's frankly, a genius.

And, you,**_ are not._**

Do you have an unsupporting Grandpa too?

I bet you do.

So why make fun of me...?

...If you know exactly what it feels like to be me?

.. Is it because you needed to think you're better then me?

Well congrats, you are.

I was the first one of us to suicide.

I'm not a dumbass Gilbert, I don't fall for that "I'm Awesome" crap, when you were beating me up, I saw the cuts under your jacket.

I'll see you soon.

* * *

**HAHA, I'M TWO MINUTES AWAY FROM TOMORROW, SO THIS IS ON TIME! So, anyway, once again, sorry for the long wait, but on the bright side, my band got first place at a national competition! I think, after next week, I'll finally have time to upload my other stories (I've been dying to write My Bright Light, it's driving me crazy..) This wasn't up earlier, mainly because I was studying for my final exams in two days and lost track of time.. So, to the commentary on the actual chapter! The role of the bully changed a few times actually, first it was Francis, who had actually raped him, but I decided, that is way OOC for Francis, and I don't want to pile on anymore sensitive topics. Then it was Arthur, but I couldn't really find any motivation. So I started looking through characters, and noticed the parallels I drew here between Gilbert and Romano, I think I might write an actual serious fic about this (I've always thought Romano, Prussia, and Canada could actually be a really nice/cute group of friends) but I _cannot_ add something else on my plate DX. So 3 reviews, 2 days, 5 reviews, it'll be up by tomorrow **

**EDIT- OKAY, CRAP, I AM LATE, BUT BY LIKE 15 MINUTES, SORRY..**


	6. Rodrich's Note

_**Rodrich's Note**_

You fucking dick.

YOU ASSHOLE.

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, AND I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM YOURSELF.

FOR THEM. TO REALIZE.

WHAT YOU DID.

TO A POOR LITTLE 7 YEAR OLD, WHO HAD JUST LOST HIS PARENTS.

YOU TOOK THE ONLY THING I HAD LEFT!

YOU TOOK MY LITTLE BROTHER FROM ME.

FUCKING HE NEEDED "A REAL HOME!" "SOMEWHERE FAR FAR AWAY!"

WHAT ABOUT ME HUH?

DUMP ME ON MY GRANDPA'S DOOR, LEAVE ME ALL ALONE, UNTIL YOUR FUCKING WIFE DIVORCED YOUR SORRY ASS.

THEN YOU GIVE HIM BACK TO ME.

EXCEPT FOR WEEKENDS.

ON MONDAY HE ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT ALL THE FUN HE HAD WITH PAPA RODRIECH, AND THAT'S BULL SHIT!

YOU.

ARE NEVER GOING TO BE HIS FATHER.

BECAUSE YOU WERE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO BE MY FATHER.

BUT YOU SAID NO.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY ATTITUDE.

YOU WERE NEVER, AND WILL NEVER BE EITHER MY FATHER, OR MY BROTHER'S FATHER.

AND DON'T YOU FUCKIN FORGET IT!

* * *

**Hi guys! I'm on time today! :D Anyway, my thoughts on this chapter, this is honestly, my least favorite note, because, it's written a bit awkwardly and you have to really dig deep to get it, this is more of him feeling neglected, and upset, because of what could've been. If Rodrich had taken both brothers, he could've grown up with his brother, and had a semi (of course his parents would have still been in the back of his mind) regular family, but because of a situation that might be explained later, Rodrich could only take one brother, so he took the one that was entitled to him as Godfather. This has left Lovino pretty upset towards him, not to mention he over heard a few conversations where Rodrich was talking about how he was so lucky to get the nicer brother, which made him only more bitter. Anyway, no more notes! This will be the last chapter with Lovino's notes! 3 reviews in 2 days, 5 reviews, 1 day, and if I get 10 reviews by 10:00 pm (eastern standard) I will upload it at 10. **


	7. Good Bye Note

So yeah. This is it, everybody who made my life the living hell I just couldn't bear through.

I'm just...I'm really tired.

I feel an ache in my bones, an itch in my soul, and pain in my heart.

I know it was maybe supposed to get better.

That's why I hadn't done it sooner, I was always hoping that one day, I would wake up, suddenly all my troubles would be poofed away, and I would have the strength and the happiness to keep going.

But I've always been really impatient.

I decided I would do it after Gilbert beat me up, which was also the day my Grandpa called me an "Idiot who can't even pass choir", which was also a Friday, meaning that Feliciano was leaving, which was also the day I heard a rumor going around choir that I liked Antonio.

I spent a good long time laying away that night.

Weighing the pros and the cons.

And once I realized, everything would be better if I killed myself, I started crying. And to calm myself down, I tried pulling up any happy memory I could think of.

Some of them are on this list.

Papa pushing me on the swing, Mama sitting on a bench besides us while cradling baby Feli, and a picture perfect orange sunset behind us.

Matthew telling me he was going to stop cutting, and I felt relieved and happy, and proud, because I thought I had saved his life.

My first show choir performance. I didn't have a solo, but I was happy anyway, because Grandpa was right there with a camcorder filming the whole thing.

It really shows you, the world isn't just black and white.

And I guess even assholes can be good people.

But of course, the ones above didn't calm me down much, because then I thought about how they had either betrayed me, or left me, and I started crying even harder.

The ones that really worked.

Are the ones that are going to be kept a secret.

Because real heroes don't want credit.

So.

Goodbye world...

I'm sorry I never got to see Rome, or adopt a horse, or go to Disney, or throw myself out a plane like I always planned to.

I guess..

I just...

I won't have any dreams, or nightmares anymore.

Now.

It's time to just sleep.

* * *

**Hey guys! I have to say, last chapter was my least favorite, but this is my favorite. Simply, because we see Lovino's not doing this just because some bad people did some bad stuff to him, he's doing it because he just, lost his will to live, he feels like there isn't anything in it anymore. Anyway, yes, this is the note of Lovino's suicide packet, but! There is more! Those apology notes he talked about. If you guys want to see them, 5 reviews, it'll be up by tomorrow, 3 reviews, it'll be up in 2 days, 10 reviews, and it will be up by 10 (remember eastern standard time) tonight. Also, there's an epilogue I've been writing, but it's not really a note, it's basically what happened after Lovino suicide, do you guys want to see it?**


	8. Feliciano's Apology

_**Apology To Feliciano Veneziano Vargas-Eldenstien**_

Feliciano...

I remember, when you were just a newborn little baby, and Mama brought you home...

She didn't let me hold you, not yet, I was just a 4 year old back then...

But when she bent down so I could see you, I looked into your eyes, and you just smiled at me.

That perfect, sunshine smile.

And during the 8 years you were gone, all I had to do was remember that smile, and suddenly you didn't feel so far away...

.. Then a year ago, someone rings the door bell, I complain about having to get up and open the door, and suddenly, that same smile appears, except this time it wasn't a memory.

You were there, right in front of me, and all you had to do was whisper "Lovino..?" to send me into hysterics.

Because you were there on my door step, and it was the happiest I had been in years.

But even though you were with me, life just got really hard...

..And I couldn't handle it anymore Feli..

..I'm really sorry...

..I'm sorry I couldn't be the strong older brother you remembered

And I'm sorry I was so caught up in my own problems, and never listened to yours

And I'm sorry that you're going to walk around for the rest of your life knowing that your brother killed himself.

But Vene...

Please...

Don't blame yourself...

..The last thing I want, is for you to become like me, and shut the world out.

I want you to be happy.

I want you to just...Forget about me.

..Forget about your failure of a brother, and keep going with your life, keep getting honor roll, keep your friends, -they seem like good people, even that Ludwig kid I don't like.- Get married, have kids.

**_LIVE._**

Don't let me not being there change your life.

One of the few things that made me happy was your happiness, and I want you to know, that the last thing I'm going to think about, is your bright smile.

As I step off the ledge, all I'll see is sunshine.

So keep smiling because, your smile couldn't save me, but I know that one day, it'll save somebody else.

Keep this all a secret, alright Feli?

Hopefully, I won't see you again for a long time.

* * *

**YOU KNOW YOU GUYS CAN BE REALLY CREEPY SOMETIMES, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK THAT IT WOULD GET TEN REVIEWS BEFORE 10 O'CLOCK OMFG HOLY CRAP. Anyway, so we start with the apology notes! There are two apology notes, and I think I might split the epilogue into two chapters, also to people who are asking about the notes..Lovi did say it was a secret...Of course, I'm pretty sure goliath beetle can guess who it is ;D. Anyway, originally it was going to end with last chapter, and I was going to leave a lot up to interpretation. But then I remember I hate books that don't answer questions (A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS IS MY DAMNATION I SWEAR TO FUCKIN'-) so I won't do it to you guys! So, 3 reviews, it'll be up in two days, 5 reviews, it'll be up by tomorrow. Also, I know I measure this story by reviews, but I mean, I do it for a reason, and that's so I could get feedback or critiques, I'd really appreciate it if you guys didn't review nonsense, or just tell me to update. OKAY GOOD NIGHT GUYS WISH ME LUCK ON MY FINAL EXAM FOR GEOMETRY (KILL ME NOW)**


	9. Antonio's Apology

_**Apology To Antonio**_

Oh Antonio...

..You were so...

..Nice..

..I don't know whether you were just nice to everybody, or nice to just me, but it was comforting.

Knowing that there was somebody besides my brother I could trust was amazing.

And even though I was cold, and mean, you stayed anyway, and I don't think I'll ever know why.

I'm uh...I'm also gonna be honest.

That rumor the show choir started spreading...

It wasn't exactly fake...

I-I really do like you Antonio, and I know we're young and pumped to the brim with hormones, but, it wasn't really sexual...

I just, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...

But I mean...

..You're handsome, and smart, and nice, and I'm...Not...

I knew you would never feel the same.

And besides, I've got a homophobic grandpa, probably never would've happened...

But, I just..I liked imagining what we could've been, and I know that makes me look like a creep, but just, it made me happy, and it gave me courage, that maybe, I could tell you one day.

It helped calm me down too, and it soothed me to sleep..

I guess I am telling you now, and I'm glad I won't be alive, because you're probably laughing at me right now.

But, even if this is ridiculous and you probably want to tell all your friends about how much of a loser I am, just..

...Please keep it a secret...

..And if you actually did love me back...

Then I am so, SO sorry, that of everybody you could've fallen in love with...

_**...It had to be me...**_

* * *

**Hey guys! Okay, so, we're almost at the epilogue here, and I'm going to say it right now, 1. It's got what happened to everybody, 2. I'm going to be honest, I've come to love this Lovino character I've formed, but you guys have only seen two sides of him, the angry side, and the upset side. Hopefully you'll get to see a bit more of him, and a bit more to the people Lovino has demonized. So! You guys are gonna have to work for this epilogue! XD If this story manages to get to 100 reviews before 10 tomorrow night, I'll upload the epilogue then. 20 reviews, in 2 days, and 10 reviews, in 3 days! A word of advice, although I won't count anybody who reviews nonsense twice, I will count reviews on other chapters you might have missed. ALSO TO ANYBODY WHO STILL CARES ABOUT MY OTHER STORIES, I THINK I ACED MY TESTS, AND ALL I HAVE LEFT THAT'S STRESSFUL IN MY LIFE IS MY AWARDS CEREMONY TOMORROW. THANKS GUYS, FOR STICKING WITH ME! AND I'VE ALREADY STARTED ALL THREE OF MY OTHER STORIES NEW CHAPTERS!**


	10. The End

Heh, should've known.

Basically, after I jumped off, instead of taking an everlong dirt nap like I planned.

It turns out, after all my doubting that there really is a God.

And also, it turns out, that kids who suicide don't get immediate access to heaven.

I had a choice.

Either, go directly to hell, or, become a guardian angel for the people I've hurt..

I would spend 3 months in purgatory, and once that was done, I would watch over them for the rest of their lives, (with VIP access to their inner thoughts and feelings, acting like a conscience in a way) help them in their personal struggles, and when the time would come, I would take their souls, and guide them to wherever they belonged.

I really did think it through...

If I went to hell, I could be given a cliffhanger, a sort of closure where I could imagine that Feliciano and Antonio were happy, and everything really was better with me gone.

But of course, I'd be stuck in a place of eternal damnation.

However, if I became a guardian angel, I would see the damage, and I was scared of what I'd find.

Would everybody be miserable?

Or would they just go on with their lives?

...I honestly didn't know which was worse...

..But.

I needed to know.

If I ever wanted to give up, and just go to hell, all I had to do, was say the word "Justified."

Well, it wasn't too bad of a deal

The second "yes" came out of my mouth, I was whipped away to purgatory.

I really, don't actually remember much...

Just that it was dark, I was alone, and I couldn't feel my body...

..Then one day I'm suddenly whipped away and I'm back at home, standing under the 6th building's balcony, wearing the pajamas I died in, with an unbreakable urge to go check on my grandpa.

It turns out, he had drank himself into a stupor.

Now that I was gone...

...Grandpa was an alcoholic, the show choir had been disbanded, Matthew was cutting again, Gilbert was on the verge of suicide, Feliciano cried himself to sleep every night, refused to talk to a depressed Rodrich, and Antonio walked around without a purpose in life, visiting my grave every day..

I had gotten my revenge..

Everybody really was miserable...

But..

I-I never wanted something as bad as this..

Every night Feli cried, I would try my best to wipe away the tears, and I cried with him.

I would try to rip the bottle away from Grandpa, and yell at him for being so self centered.

I'd try and wrap my arms around Antonio while he stood kneeling at my grave, and mutter how it wasn't his fault, and how I'd love him for all eternity.

I would try to count all of Rodrich's bills, and talk to him as tears rushed down his face at every day he spent all alone in his house.

All I could do was try...

...Because... I was dead...

And they couldn't see me...

I felt like shouting "Justified" so many times. So many times the first syllable rolled off my lips, but..

It wasn't until...

It wasn't until.. I saw their side, that I realized how selfish and petty I was.

Show Choir was pretty much made up of group of friends who had been together since 2nd grade, and had no idea how to include somebody new in their clique. Not to mention, I took the spot of the leader of their group (some kid called Ivan) in the schedule, they were kinda lost without him, and they thought I had done it on purpose.

Grandpa tried to push me to improve, because he knew he wouldn't be around for much longer, and he was scared he would die before I had made anything of myself.

I was always right about Gilbert, except he had it even worse, he didn't have an unsupporting Grandfather. He didn't have anything but a crotchety old woman who ran the orphanage he had been taken to at 3 years old. His brother had been adopted when they were younger, and school was the only time they saw each other. He also suffered from horrific sunburns, and bad eyesight, which would make him go blind about 30 years later.

Rodrich was filled with dreams, and married his high school sweetheart, while planning on becoming a musician. He paid for a degree using student loans. And ended up becoming nothing but a music tutor at Sam Ash. His wife left him for another man when she decided the bills were too high. And Feliciano was the only ray of sunlight left in his world, but he decided to be a better man and hand him over to somebody who could afford to take care of him properly.

Everybody I blamed...

They weren't evil like I thought they were...

They were people.

And they were suffering, like I was..

When I realized that, I grew up...

..And I started to care about them...

So I helped them.

Even if I couldn't take away the bottle, I could remind Grandpa that Feli was still in front of him, and to take care of him for me. I felt all the well concealed sadness in his heart, from my death, the death of my parents, and his own death looming over him. I made him look at the present, to stop mourning over the past, and to stop worrying about the future.

As Gilbert held the knife to his neck, I was so tempted to let him do it, and let him face this wretched fate. But I swallowed my pride, held the knife back, and showed him everybody who loved him.

When Matthew's cutting landed him in emergency care, I nudged Gilbert, -the recently reformed cutter-, to go visit him. Turns out the two of them got along great, and they inspired each other to look at life with optimism. Not to mention, after he got out of the hospital, I decided to get Matt noticed in tiny ways, like getting the highest score on a math test, or washing the dishes, until I didn't have to help him be recognizable, and he started to do it all on his own.

I couldn't stand Rodrich being so upset, so I brightened his days, helped him see the happiness in life all around him, and I led him to his true love, who turned out to be a fiery spanish lawyer named Maria. Later, when I peaked into one of their dates, I found out she was Antonio's mom, and her husband had left her when Antonio was a baby.

Antonio..He was so upset, but I got Gilbert to help him, and all his other friends followed suit. He also became even more passionate about his guitar, and about his sketching, and worked on them even harder. Soon, he was almost as happy as he used to be..But..For the rest of the year, he would sit at the empty table us two used to sit at, and eat his lunch alone. Every day, I made it a point to sit across from him, and talk to him about anything and everything, stopping only to put my hand on top of his and smile. Even though I tried to lead him into so many relationships throughout his life, they never clicked, and he stayed single.

Feliciano was walking around with guilt and pain in his heart, so I hugged him tight every night, and whispered in his ear how much I loved him, and how all I ever wanted was for him to be happy and loved and protected. I helped suck out all the negativity from him, and dug deep inside him to find the love he needed to forgive Grandpa and Rodrich.

Every time I helped the people I hurt.

It made me hurt less.

I felt happy whenever I saw Antonio smile, and I felt pride when Rodrich finally got the balls to ask Maria out. I cried tears of sadness when Gilbert woke up one morning and saw nothing but black, and I cried tears of happiness when Feliciano graduated college near the top of his class.

Over time, they put other things at the front of their mind, and even though they still loved and cared about me, my tombstone got less and less visits, Feliciano forgot the sound of my voice, Antonio forgot the exact shade of hazel my eyes were, and that was okay.

That meant they were moving on.

And that I was doing a good job.

I'm happy and excited, and I feel so much better then I ever did when I was alive.

I was always so caught up in my own problems, and I never helped anybody else with theirs.

Now I can feel their pain, and I realize I wasn't the only one in the world who hurt, but I was one of the few people who could help.

Of course, they've all lived their lives of happiness, but I still have one more job to do.

Grandpa's soul was the first one I needed to collect.

It was about fifteen years after my suicide, and he died peacefully in his sleep.

His soul was calmly floating above his body, so I scooped it up, went outside, and let it flutter up to heaven.

Gilbert died at 66, his was the soul that fought the hardest, because it was scared. It stayed besides me for a while, and with a bit of coaxing, I convinced it to go up.

Then there was Rodrich, dying of heart complications at 75, his soul didn't really want to go, but it came without a fight, and with a little push, it hovered upwards.

At 79 the next person was Matthew, who died of a heart attack after going through a car crash with his daughter (thankfully, she was alright) His soul had doubts, but it went up faster then Gilbert's did.

After Matthew...It was Feliciano...He died in his sleep too..I gently cradled his soul, and even though I was positive he'd go to heaven, I still watched it fly up and away from where I could protect it.

Finally...

Now there's only one left..

Antonio..

After school, he moved to his Grandfather's inherited tomato farm in Spain. He worked on the farm by day, and sketched at night. Staying by that schedule until he was 102 years old (I have no idea how he lived that long. Maybe the tomatoes?)

He's lived a happy life, smiling and making friends.

I've made sure of it.

But now...

He has to die...

Luckily, he's going to die in his sleep..

But of course, first I have to wait for him to go to sleep...

I watched as he slowly crawled into bed, his brown hair gray with age, and his hands full of wrinkles and sun spots.

But he still had that bright cheery smile that easily convinced me he could live 30 more years if he wanted to.

He turned on the lamp, grabbed the sketch book off his night stand and flipped to a new page.

I crawled from the foot of the bed, to right beside him, so I could watch him sketch like I always did.

He started with circles...

Then he started outlining, and I stared at his face.

He had gleaming eyes that looked at the paper with such love, and I couldn't help but wonder what was in that beautiful mind of his.

...

What would happen after all of this..?

I know they've all gone to heaven, but..

What about me?

Did I do enough?

Sure I helped out everybody I had hurt, but that only even started because I felt guilty, and because I helped, they're all in heaven waiting for me...

I just...I want to be with them, and I want to say that I'm sorry for being such a selfish bastard..

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a tiny sniffle, and I can feel the sadness seeping into Antonio.

With one glance at the paper, I know why.

It's me.

I'm the reason he's crying.

Every detail is down to a tee, and suddenly, I don't think Antonio's forgotten about me as much as I thought he did.

He turns to a new page, and starts sketching flowers until he yawns. Then he places the sketch book aside, flicks the switch off, and lies down.

This is it.

Minutes seem like hours as I watch him slowly drift off to sleep.

And suddenly, he stops breathing, and his soul slowly floats out of him.

I take it with tentative hands, and start pushing it up.

But it resists.

It wriggles and squirms and pushes down, refusing to go up.

Even Gilbert didn't put up this big of a fight, and he died 15 years too early because of skin cancer!

I slackened my grip, and let it float down.

Then it nuzzled my face and hovered next to my cheek.

Gilbert hadn't had been as nice, but I knew all it needed was some persuasion.

"Come on Toni, what're you waiting for?"

I lifted a hand up to push it up a bit, and suddenly, I realize that I'm disappearing.

Oh...

I become less and less heavy, and all the worrying I've been feeling drifts away.

Floating up, I watched as Antonio's soul joined me, and suddenly it melded and shifted into back into Antonio.

He wrapped his arms around me and softly whispered

"I'm not going to leave without you Lovino."

Feelings of joy rushed all around my body, and tears fell down my face, and I realize that I once I saved the people I loved, I had saved myself.

With the faces of Feliciano, and Mom, and Dad, and Grandpa, and Antonio, and Matthew, and Gilbert, and Rodrich in the front of my head, I smile.

After being separated for so long...

I'll get to see them again.

It doesn't matter if they know that I've been protecting them for such a long time, even if I have to meet them all over again in heaven.

I guess...

Real heroes don't want the credit.

* * *

**OH GOD YOU ALL HATE ME DON'T YOU? A lot of you, actually wanted them to suffer, which I'm going to be honest, scared me a bit, because no matter what they've done wrong, nobody really deserves to suffer. I know this ending is stupid and cliché, but...I really wanted it to end like this, it just...Before, the last note was supposed to be the end, and it felt unfinished, then I did the apologies, and still it felt unfinished, but when I wrote this (gonna be honest, this was the only chapter I cried while writing)...It felt done. Like, I could move on with this story and go back to all my other ones. It was probably because of all the undeveloped characters, I have to say, of course my favorite character has always been Lovino, who went through his own development of but...Some of these characters (like Rodrich and Grandpa) started as clichés, and they opened up, and I made them real characters, and I have to say, my favorite part of writing has always been characters, because you learn to sympathize. Anyway, I hope you guys liked it, and I guess, if you want to do me one last favor, help me get 100 reviews? Also, although none of them are quite like this, check out my other fics?**


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